by Happy Lee Del Canto Sabag.
Many times I feel lonely. On more occasions than I’d like to admit.
I walk down the streets of Puerto Montt, see couples holding hands and wonder why it hasn’t happened to me. I’ve even visibly pouted once or twice… Couples surround me. Married couples, couples in relationships and most often than not, I am the odd one out. Yes, I tell myself that until someone moves my spirit, my soul and my mind (and my sense of visual appeal), I’d rather be comfortably alone. But it doesn’t make the situation hurt any less. On the contrary, I am left to wonder if I’m just too odd for the people that surround me… too different? There must be something wrong with me…? Perhaps… or maybe being different is just part of my charm? All these questions are your normal, run of the mill questions most single folk ask… Because God himself said “it is not good for man to be alone”. Solitude breeds questions like these, breeds longing, breeds more struggle within a world that is not lenient.
Despite this wavering sorrow, sorrow that comes and goes, there exists for me, the very real possibility of meeting someone tomorrow, having a whirlwind romance and marrying after, say, a whooping six months. The POSSIBILITY is there. And no one can tell me this possibility is wrong. On the contrary, my friends cheer me on, they tell me I am beautiful (yes, beautiful!!) on the outside and in, that I’m special; my family tells me to have hope, my cherished Fresno prays for me, that someday soon I might run into this beloved guy (who, by the way, is taking forever to show up) and start a family. A joyous occasion where two worlds will become a special little solar system, all the while keeping our spiritual independence and sense of humor… In short, “a family”. Whether it be just the two of us or with kids, that makes no difference, it is still a family and that’s what most humans aspire to. Anyone who says differently is just putting on a brave front.
In light of all these emotions I experience due to this subject, I am only left to imagine what it must be like for a gay Christian man/woman. I put myself in their place and understand that they too, like me, are probably longing for a spouse, in the same way I am… a deep longing of the soul to “connect”. They too walk the streets of whatever city they’re in, see couples holding hands and it stings. They too have a bubbling desire to start a family, perhaps they daydream about it… about coming home to a loving spouse, after a hard day’s work, cooking together; talking about their latest interests, sitting down to read side by side or listening to music… sharing a glass of wine under the stars and laughing at some random joke only the two of them understand… The difference between this Christian gay man or woman and me, is that they are made to believe (and accept) that the possibility of falling in love and starting a family is NOT THERE for them. These dreams they have will never and can never come to fruition because the whole scenario is sin.
Their community (their church, maybe even their families) would not cheer them on, on the contrary, they would tell them to stop. To live out the rest of their lives in celibacy (whether or not they have the gift for it) and age alone. Doing otherwise would be shameful and would (probably) lead to them being expelled from their community.
Now, can this same community tell them that they are beautiful outside and in, when this force that moves them, the force of mating, of giving themselves to another… a force that makes up a huge part of what they are, of what any of us are, is in their case, an abomination? How can they believe that God loves them when their community does not love them first?
How can any man or woman live like this and be asked to endure?
I really have no more to say on the subject. I already wrote a lengthy article (http://on.fb.me/15YXXwb) that perhaps someone out there will read… It might make sense to them on some level. Perhaps it might do some good yet. I don’t judge myself too harshly these days. I figure, God loves me and nothing will separate me from his love. I do what I can, I try to live a life with meaning.
Yes, God loves me, on this I rest.
As I also rest on the knowledge that God loves his gay children and their getting married or not, won’t separate them from his love either. That’s a promise (Romans 8:38-39).
I just wish we had a little more grace towards each other, that’s all.
Perhaps grace would have allowed Bobby Griffith and Ana Louise (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ycbHnPhw8VQ) to continue living.
All I know is that grace, when shown to me by others, allows me to go on embracing life, even when I don’t understand it… even when it makes little sense.
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